FUMC Member Testimonials
My struggle with pornography began while I was student at a Christian University. Back then it was only occasional…but when the internet came along, it became an addiction. There were times when I had even "called in sick" to work because I was feeding my addiction. The pornography was a way I would medicate myself to escape from everything else in my life…. it was merely one of many symptoms of the many hurts in my life. I struggled with depression, loneliness, and above all else - fear….fear of failure …fear of what others thought of me. In the beginning, I sought help from the church. I was told I was a sinner…that I didn't have enough faith…that I shouldn't talk to people about my struggles. When the church failed, I turned to pornography. And eventually, I left God and the church altogether. About six years ago, I realized that I still desired to have God in my life. However, I had developed a fear of Him. To me He seemed a tyrant ready to strike me down the moment I made a mistake. And I had developed a fear of the church. Almost five years ago, I found Celebrate Recovery and started attending. I was able to work through my anger, my hurt, and my fears. I realized God is truly a God of love. I was able to look upon God in a whole new way…. and I was able to attend church again after many years. Now I am glad to have God a part of my life (and learning to trust him), a church I can call home, and a safe place I can go to when I become tempted with pornography or anything else for that matter. Through CR, I have a safe family with whom I can share my struggles - CR has become a part of my life…a place where I am learning what it means to be "healthy".
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I feel like my christian life really began after my husband said he wanted a divorce. That was by far the lowest point in my life. Since I had already been going to CR for over 3 years, luckily I had that support group in place to deal with what I would do. Very shortly after my husband left I started looking to fill the huge hole I felt. I turned to casual relationships with men. This would go on for a few months. Initially I did not share this with anyone, knowing it was wrong, but I still was not ready or able to stop. When the behavior worsened, I did reach out and talk to people in CR. Because of the unconditional love and acceptance I received, and the lack of judgement or condemnation, I was able to start tackling this problem. I knew I had to start living a Godly life as a single woman. This would be a new adventure for me. Before I got married I never lived a sexually Godly life, honestly I didn't think I was doing anything wrong at the time. But this time was different, because of CR I had the desire, and the support, to really live a Godly life. I have recently celebrated my 1 year anniversary of being celibate in the strictest of definitions. I would not have been able to do that if it wasn't for CR. So CR for me isn't just about not doing something, it is about living a christian life I believe how God intends, but that society today (and many in the church) don't really think is realistic.
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I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and as such struggle with co-dependent behaviors, workaholism, control, and relationship issues. I began attending Celebrate Recovery over 3 years ago to learn more about myself and to improve my relationship with God and with others. Although I have learned much about my own lack of control, and about trusting the Lord for direction, my marriage which was a part of the reason for going, has continued to deteriorate. I realize I am only part of that relationship, and cannot control the actions or wishes of my partner. While I would have preferred to preserve my marriage, that was not, and is not in my control, but what I have gained from CR is the perspective to let go of things I cannot control, and to trust God for the outcome, even when it is not what I would have wished. I know He loves me and my ultimate relationship is with Him and with Jesus. Meanwhile, I have developed relationships with many people through CR and those relationships help sustain me in the hard times.
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My problem has never been drugs, alcohol, pornography, overeating, over-spending, or any other behavior that has given birth to various “Anonymous” groups like alcoholics anonymous or over-eaters anonymous, etc. I’ve always been a very disciplined and organized person so I wondered why other people didn’t realize what a blessing it was for me to tell them what they should do, when they should do, and exactly how it should be done. I didn’t view this as “controlling”; to me it was just trying to be “helpful”. When my husband began attending a Christian 12-step group years ago for his personal “recovery issues”, I attended with him, not because I thought I had any “recovery issues” but to make sure he actually attended the meetings! Over the years, I’ve attended several such groups and I finally realized that perhaps my “helpfulness” sometimes crossed the line into someone else’s personal space. Then, about 3 years ago, I attended my first Celebrate Recovery 12 step group. Something in that material and the dynamics of the personalities in the group made me see that my “helpful” behavior toward others was really my way of trying to push God out of the scene; that I really didn’t trust Him to direct the lives of other people I cared for and I finally faced the deep issue that I really didn’t trust God to care for me, to answer my prayers, and to give my life direction and meaning. The light bulb finally came on that I DO have “control issues” and that only by facing my issues honestly with God can I be healed and drawn into a closer relationship with Him. I still see others “making mistakes”, not doing things the way I would, not having the same priorities, etc. and I still feel uncomfortable inside but I’m learning to not just assume that I have the answers. There are times when it may be appropriate for me to offer advice, but I’m learning to wait until God tells me to do so. I now attend CR meetings regularly and I’m learning to get out of His way as He works.
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It’s pretty cool to be able to write this today. You see my recovery started on this very day exactly six years ago. I was sitting in a jail cell at the David L Moss detention center due to illegal activities related to my addiction. It was there after sixteen years of trying to change myself I prayed this simple prayer, “God, I surrender, do whatever it takes to change me”. I started secular recovery as soon as I was released, and I started coming to this church where I was received with love and compassion. God was answering my prayer. After about a year I was blessed to be on the ground floor of planning to launch Celebrate Recovery at our church. It was here that I learned my “addiction” problems were just a symptom of something much deeper. I was broken inside and full of fear. I was raised in an atmosphere where any disobedience was met with abusive punishment and rejection. This is what I expected from God as well. Fear ruled my life. I was afraid of God, I was afraid of people, and I was afraid of intimacy in any fashion. I trusted no one but myself and I didn’t trust myself much either. This is a very lonely place to be. I have been working through this fear issue now for over three years now and the change is incredible. My relationship with God is now based on love and a mutual desire for an intimate relationship. My relationships at home and with my numerous friends are improving every day I continue this journey. I have found that true recovery, regardless of the issue, is just about learning to be a follower of Christ, and I haven’t found any better way than Celebrate Recovery for that to happen in my life. God truly is good all the time!
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